The Michigan Daily’s Andy Reid:

On a cold October evening in 2004, I sat in the Big House and watched DeAndra Cobb break free for a 60-plus yard touchdown run, presumably sealing the fate of the Michigan-Michigan State game that season.

Two Sparties in front of me were obviously ecstatic about the play. So they did what any typical, blind-drunk, semi-literate, couch-burning, Michigan-loathing, I-could-have-gotten-into-your-school-if-I-took-high-school-more-seriously-pouting Michigan State student who has an obvious, shall we say, “Little Brother” complex when it comes to anything Maize and Blue would do in that situation.

They left the game to go to the bar.

Seconds later, Braylon Edwards — currently an NFL receiver who HASN’T “accidentally discharged” an illegal firearm into his own thigh while wearing sweatpants at a nightclub — caught a bomb to spark the epic comeback.

Go ahead and give me your best “3-and-9” jokes. And Lord knows you need more ammunition than “Appalachian State,” which, by the way, still ranks as one of the greatest victories in Michigan State Athletics history.

It doesn’t matter. Because at the end of the day tomorrow (after a certain freshman quarterback stomps all over you and then lets you keep that friggin’ Paul Bunyan trophy because it’s so damn ugly), you’re still inferior in every possible way.

And yes, let me take a second to bask in the glory of my own, completely warranted, arrogance.

Ah, that felt good.

I thought a lot about how I wanted to describe you foaming-at-the-mouth Spartan fans in this column. I guess the plethora of adjectives above works, but those have been floating around the ethereal AA-to-EL pipeline since the days of the Michigan Agricultural College. I wanted something more.

Then I told myself I could lighten the inevitable hate mail and throw in a few qualifying put-ups about how fiercely loyal you are, even in the face of yearly gridiron disappointment. But the following text message I received from Michigan State senior Trisha Langlois threw that stereotype out the window:

“Do any of your housemates want a ticket to the game for 80?”

In case you can’t follow the logic of that last point (and we all know logic isn’t your strong point. Or English. Or math. Or physics, law, biology, etc.), offering to sell a student section ticket to a Michigan fan doesn’t exactly scream “THIS IS SPARTA!”

That’s when the perfect description of you hit me. One word, with eight letters, that sums up your entire fan base.

Adorable.

You know, in the same way that a toddler putting his eye right up to the nozzle of a kinked hose only to be blindsided by the inevitable rush of water is adorable.

It’s cute because the kid can’t comprehend why he got soaked. Kind of like it’s cute when Michigan toys with you and throws a kink in the hose, and then you’re flabbergasted when the winged-helmeted warriors open the floodgates again.

You’re adorable because you think you’re rivals with a program that’s already engaged in the greatest rivalry in sport; has as many Rose Bowl appearances in the last 11 years as you have all-time; is the winningest team in the history of the game; and has more tradition in one blade of green Field Turf than you could ever dream of.

Your red-faced, steam-out-the-ears reaction to the fact that Michigan fans have absolutely no respect for this so-called “rivalry” — a word I use only because “run-of-the-mill, annual Big Ten game in Michigan’s eyes” is a little too long — is just plain cute, too.

And it’s simply cheek-pinching adorable that the man you think is going to bring you to prominence, your personal football savior, Mark Dantonio, has the same 17-13 record through 30 games as John L. Smith.

Sometimes, I just want to give you a hug, ruffle the hair on your scrappy lil’ head and try and cheer you up. Because I can’t help but sigh and shrug when you lose four straight after the Michigan game every year or your coach loses control of his team, slaps himself or resorts to making fun of an opposing player’s height. Aww, Sparty.

But a noogie is probably a better solution. After all, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do to your little brother?

— Reid, the Managing Sports Editor and football writer for The Michigan Daily, is a soon-to-be Arrogant Michigan Alum.